i own a dell latitude, but because of the lack of a drive, i can't back up my data and reformat it because it is soooooo filled with spyware and stuff now. it's not good. so slow.

but i'm also thinking about getting a powerbook. those things look nice. and crash less. a nice 12" powerbook. yups

Jenni Cheung at 01:38 PM

so me and charlie broke up around the beginning of april, and since then, i've been just dating around, trying to find someone i'm really happy with and all that good stuff.

so i met dick off the internet. i figured it'd be cool to meet some ucla people since it's close and everything. he's a ucla grad student doing chemical engineering. he's pretty easy going and i told him that i was dating other people because i just got out of a relationship. whatever. basically... i have s tendency to cling on things until i find something else that really works with me. and it's hard for me to find someone i really click with, so at the beginning of the "relationship" with dick, i didn't really hang out with him that much because i barely knew him and he's very aloof. he never really was aggressive in wanting to get to know me really well or anything.

but once summer came around, like june/july, we started to hang out a lot more, and we got attached to each other. but he's a broke college student, so we usually split the bill, but i think i actually paid more than 50% of our "relationship expenses", actually... i'm sure i did. i would go visit him at his office all the time. other than the whole dating other people thing, i've actually never been better to anyone else. he never liked the whole dating other people thing, since i don't want him to date other people (and he said that was fine), but he never sat me down and said "hey, you gotta date just me or not me at all." so all the while i still date other people on and off because dick doesnt' really treat me as well as i'm used to be treated. i require a lot of attention when i am to seriously consider entering a relationship. i guess you can say this is because of my insecurities, but the fact of the matter is that i have a lot of them. i cling in relationships. i knew he cared, just not too much.

i don't even know why i like him so much. he flipped out on me a few times. like once i was studying for a midterm with my friend at the student union because my friend worked there and can get us a meeting room to study. i was there from like 8-12:30 at night. i told dick i would be done around 12 and i'll give him a call and stop by his new place after that. it turned out that he called me several times that night when i was studying and he left messages and text messages asking why i don't pick up the phone and if i thought he was stupid because he thinks i'm avoiding his calls. the truth is, when i study, i turn my phone on silent so i had no idea he called until i was walking out and i checked my messages. as soon as i took my phone out to check for messages, he sends me a text message saying that i'm treating him like an idiot and how he "knows" i'm not studying and shit like that. so i call him back right away (naturally) and he starts flipping out on me saying i wasn't studying and all that. that made me soooo mad because i had no reason to lie to him. if i was going out, i would tell him (i've told him before). and if i was studying, i'd say i'm studying. there really was no incentive for me to lie at all because i've been open about everything from the getgo. and he got all crazy mad and kept bringing it up even when i was at his place. i couldn't take it, so i left that night. he finally apologized to me several days later because he realize how much of a jerk he was being.

so we keep dating. and sometimes he would say things like "when are you gonna be my girlfriend" or "you'll be mine once i cook for you" to which i responded with a smile because i really thought it'd be cool. i even told him "you're gonna be my next boyfriend" and "i'll only have time to date one person once school starts." and when i go out and see things i'll think of him, like when i went to sephora with my coworkers for "intern day" i remembered that he doesn't have any cologned, so i bought him "deep" cool water by davidoff (it smells prety nice, btw, it's light). and i actually bought this huge thing of hemp cuz he's a pothead and he wants a thick hemp bracelet. i made him a pretty decent sized one and was gonna make him an awesome big one for his bday or something. i took him to the hoobastank concert and was gonna take him to the usher concert, only that the lady i was set to buy it from flaked on me the last minute. when he was upset about his work and stuff, i talked to him and hurried to his house and brought him food cuz i knew he didn't eat yet. in fact i always ask if he wants something before i go to his place if he didn't have dinner yet.

anyway, this past month i've only been dating one other guy than him, james. and james is weird, but pretty damn cool and the thing is james is SOOOO good to me. like i can tell he genuinely cares about me because he would drop whatever he is doing and help me if i needed him to (which i doubt that dick would do, given how he treated me so far vs. how i treated him) so naturally i was confused because i've always wanted dick to treat me better, and i told him. but i never asked him to because i know he's a busy guy. i told dick i was confused like 2 weeks ago. i was more hoping that he would say something more commited to me like "i want to be your boyfriend now, so stop dating other people." but he asked me if i wanted to stop dating him, and if i wanted to stop dating james. i said no to both. it was then that dick broke it off with me. i didn't know what to think. cuz... if you really liked someone (like he said he did with me) you don't just break it off like that without saying some sort of ultimatum like that., right?

so the next few days i think about it and i think about what i value more. and i really wanted to try to make what we worked on this past months work. i mean, over the past months, i'm really starting to fall in love with him. so i broke off dating james and said i wanted to focus on dick. then i called dick to ask him to be my bf. he said he had to think about it. the next day, he called and said he couldn't do it because he doesn't think he can ever trust me and i hurt him too much and he can't give me the attention i need. he said i hurt him because after i dated him so long i "went out and looked for other people to date" which was totally untrue. james pursued me, and he gave me the attention that i was lacking, and i've only been dating him for a few weeks, and i TOLD dick that i was dating other people. you'd think that'd make a guy get that i want more attention, asides from the fact that i asked him for more attention first. anyway, his excuse for that is that he can't give me that attention when i'm dating other guys. stupid cyclic shit. and i think it's total bullshit how he can't trust me because i've NEVER lied to him EVER. if i went out with someone, i'd tell him. and i told him i didn't want to enter into a relationship (before) because i didn't want to get into something unless i was sure.

and i was sure about this. and i asked him to reconsider, because i was still carrying with me the things he said to me before. i mean, we've dated this long and i think it's only fair that we give it a chance. but all he can say now is that "he can't trust me". and i was all crying to him yesterday after my finals saying that i was sorry that i was dating someone else after dating dick for so long (even though i told him i was) and that i really gave SOO much into this relationship and that i didn't want it to go to waste. all he can say back to me is that we're too different, and it's too late, and he wished things developed differently and shit like that. i mean people can change, and he's not stupid, but what he said was so stupid. everyone deserves a chance, esp when we've been dating for so long, to drop it off like this? he never was man enough to ever give me an ultimatum. when you really care about someone, and you want them to only commit to you, you propose to them the idea before just breaking it off with them, right? why couldn't he just have done that? i've realy never given so much in a relationship.

i think i'm more pissed that i cared about him so much and put so much into it and always was honest with him, and now he comes back at me and says that he can't trust me. i'd rather have him say that he's bored with me or something. then i wouldn't have this glimmer of hope that i can convince him to trust me (even though i've never done anything to him that would make him feel otherwise). but now i'm afraid to give. i've given so much of me, and i'm so hurt. i've honestly never been this hurt by a guy EVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

so i'm just sad now. and everything makes me think about him. it sucks. esp being on campus because he walks me to class and we've eaten at different campus locations. i really should just be a taker. when i stop giving, i dont' get hurt like this.

Jenni Cheung at 01:25 PM

http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp

here is what the test said about me:

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eXpressive: 7/10
Practical: 3/10
Physical: 6/10
Giver: 4/10

You are a XSYT--Expressive Sentimental Physical Taker. This makes you a Firebrand.

You are volatile, sexy and sexually driven. You're magnetic and fascinating, but you don't really enjoy playing the field -- it makes you nervous and preys on your insecurites. But when you fall for someone you fall hard.

You tend to over-analyze things, so the slightest comment or action from your significant other can send you into a tailspin. You crave attention and validation from your loved ones, so if your friends don't like your partner or your partner doesn't like your friends it makes you suffer. Unfortunately the two are often in conflict -- you have excellent insight with your friends, but in a relationship you are blind. Trust your friends!

You blow hot and cold, with big highs and big lows. This makes the bad times very bad but the good times very good, so you tend to stay in a problem relationship much longer than you should. But when a relationship fails, you hold a grudge. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but make sure your grudge doesn't cloud your vision the other way!

What would help you most in your relationships is confidence. You need someone who can help you feel good about yourself and not worse.

You can be needy and jealous. Fortunately you are cute as hell.

Of the 81750 people who have taken this quiz, 5.8 % are this type.

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which i think is so true for the most part.... actually i think it's really true, cuz even though i like dating around, i can't do that too long until i get insecure and stuff.

actually... i'ts quite accurate.

but i really think i'm a mix between the XSYT and XSYG. not the sex part, but the other stuff...

Jenni Cheung at 12:30 PM

i'm just watchin comedy central and i think he's a hottie. and i like his humor, i think it's intelligent.

Jenni Cheung at 04:47 PM

i can't believe i've been so busy lately. moving and school and work and pets and dating and shit. i'm in such bad shape cuz i had much sleep lately. i actually have dark circles under my eyes.

i moved back closer to school, which is cool since i pay the same rent and stuff. and munnie lives there! (she's my former dog) so i get to play with the big dogs all the time now! i finally finished moving MOST of the stuff in today. i'm SO tired. i still have to go back to the old place to clean and pick up one more trip's worth of stuff, then i'm set.

miya has a gender crisis. she keeps humping the cat. i don't know why. it looks so retarded. imma google it right now.

Jenni Cheung at 12:20 AM